삼년상 (Sam-Nyun-Sang)
By: Jane Kim
*Sam-Nyun-Sang, or Three Year Mourning, is a traditional Confucian practice in Korea where the child continues to honor and mourn their parents for three years after their passing. The three years symbolize the first three years of a child, when they are completely helpless and require absolute sacrifice of the parent to take care of them; the child then is to repay that love during this mourning period. For three years the mourner sets up meals twice a day as offerings for their deceased parents for breakfast and dinner and lives in a small cottage. They are to follow strict rules about wearing mourning clothes, wearing a hat to prohibit them from looking up at the sky when they leave home, and restraining themselves from consuming alcohol and meat. This practice demonstrates filial piety and respect for the deceased, specifically by considering themselves as sinners. During these three years, the mourner repents their inability to fulfill their filial duty while their parents were still alive.
As her forehead reached her overlapped hands in her deep bow, a baby whimpering struck her ears. Who let a baby into a funeral?Asking herself with a pinch of petulance, she slowly lifted her head up to discover a tiny, wriggling infant laying amongst the immaculately organized jeh-sah-sang (offerings made to the dead in Korea).
Astonished, she started to scrutinize the features of the baby. All miry with pale blue hands and feet, the baby was completely naked without a single presence of protection. A birthmark on its right hand stood out, along with the sunken dimples…
Grandpa?
She kept looking up to see the funeral portrait of her grandpa, and then looking down back to see the infant. The eyebrows that become thicker as it reaches the edge of the face. The crescent moon eyes. The hooked nose. The thin lips. It had to be him.
Before she had any more time to process her thoughts on how this could be possible, whether this was real or just a figment of her imagination, the baby turned his head towards her. As soon as they locked eyes, the once barely audible cooing became passionate wailing. She looked around for help from an adult, but everyone seemed busy due to their own businesses such as bowing to the family of the deceased, moaning aloud, or comforting each other.
When she turned her eyes to the infant once more, he started to writhe his arms around as if he wanted to be carried. Then he accidentally knocked over a pear neatly stacked in a white bowl as a part of the jeh-sah-sang, which wobbled and tipped over, bonking the baby’s head. The baby froze for a moment, unsure how to react to its first experience of pain, and proceeded to cry harder than ever.
***
“Remember, you have to catch the plane before it lands, ok? Ready, set, go!”
As the crumpled paper plane soared through the air, she grabbed his wrinkled hand and started to run as fast as she could. Get the plane, was the only objective in her mind, and her heart flowed with high hopes of rejoicing in her victory with her beloved Grandpa.
Every second the plane got closer, the more she hastened, the more spring she added to her step. As she stretched out her arm to reach the plane, a ray of sunlight shone on it and she lept. She lost the grip of her Grandpa’s hand.
As they both stumbled down, a dull thud vibrated through her body. Her face slowly turned pale as she stood up to see the plane landing softly on Grandpa’s back, lying down on the rigid asphalt ground. Frozen in place, her mind went blank.
Just before the teardrops that blurred her eyes proceeded to fall, a familiar warmth carried her, protecting her whole body.
“괜찮아 아가, 할아버지는 끄덕없어! (I’m alright, sweetheart! Grandpa’s as strong as ever!)”
Engulfed in fear, she started to cry as hard as she could as Grandpa stood up, blood dripping from his scraped knees and hands. Mom nodded as well with a slightly nervous face as she patted her back.
She was then taken inside where all family assured her that everything was alright. She stopped crying as one of her uncles gave her a piece of chocolate cookie.
But she heard it. Mom’s gasp in the next room as she helped Grandpa to stand back up again. Grandpa’s groan as he barely lifted himself up with help from Mom. Something was definitely wrong.
***
She turned her eyes back on the baby that had soothed himself when he realized no help was coming. Instead, he tried to reach for the pear that just fell down to the floor after bonking his head. Although she was still not sure whether this baby is actually there, this scared her that the baby might fall down from the jeh-sah-sang and hurt himself.
“에구구, 저기 배가 떨어졌네. 가서 주워야겠다. (Oh my, there is a pear fallen on the ground. I gotta put it back to the jeh-sah-sang.)” An elderly man - possibly one of Grandpa’s friends - stood up from his place with a sigh. He slowly approached the fallen pear and picked it up to place it back on the jeh-sah-sang.
Now, this triggered more confusion. The pear that the baby just knocked down actually fell to the ground. Does that mean that this baby is real? If yes, then why wouldn’t anyone tend to it? Why was it that she seemed to be the only one seeing it?
Then, the baby suddenly dissolved into the air.
“Wait, Grandpa!”
Just after a second, it reappeared in front of the young-jeong-sa-jin (the picture of the deceased) as if to tell her, yes, it was him. Maybe she was losing her mind from exhaustion - maybe from grief. But she had to be sure. She stepped closer to examine the baby -
and noticed that its whole body was pale blue and translucent.
The baby wasn’t real. It was a ghost. No wonder why anyone else couldn’t see it.
***
“It has been…four months? Five months? Since we met last time, hasn’t it?” said Grandpa, as he casually sipped his coffee with a wrinkled heartwarming smile. He seemed to age quicker over the last few months.
“Yeah, hahaha…” She tried her best to look as natural as she could, but she could not hide the awkwardness of her guilt.
“Hmm, seems like we are being a bit awkward here. Here, let me tell you a joke. Do you know how celebrities stay cool?”
“Uh…I have no idea. Can you tell me how?”
“They have many fans.”
Silence filled the room for five seconds, but she felt like it lasted for five hours. Then, both of them burst into laughter.
“Hahaha, that was so funny Grandpa!” She laughed as hard as she could, but it never sounded genuine. She knew that. Grandpa knew that too and smiled.
***
Once again, the baby turned his head in the direction of her, and they locked eyes. An affectionate smile slowly appeared on his face.
She could not erase the thought that his smile seemed benign rather than childlike. It resembled the smile when Grandpa assured him that he was okay despite the fact he fell down hard to the ground. When he knew she was faking her laughter but laughed along anyway.****
***
“Oh dear, I will always thank you for laughing at my silly jokes.” Grandpa chuckled. “By the way, I got the message from you about your spring break. I saw the photos, too. Those cherry blossoms look so beautiful! Take me with you next time. I love going for a walk, too.”
She smiled back with relief that she did not hurt Grandpa’s feelings that much. She carefully opened her mouth once again as she asked, “Why didn’t you reply, Grandpa?”
“Oh, I would absolutely love to have conversations with you online - especially these days since we cannot meet more often because of your busy schedule - but damn, my wrist hurts too much to write long replies, dear. You should know that I always read them, though. You should also know that the moment you send me messages is the highlight of my day.”
They both smiled, pretending not to notice the faint glimmer in each others’ eyes.
***
“It is time to leave, dear.” She turned around to see Mom packing their bags to go back home.
“Mom, but - ”
“I know it is hard, sweetheart, but Grandpa will not be happy to see us too sad.”
The moment she stood up, the baby’s smile turned to a frown, and he started to cry even harder than when the pear fell on his head. As she turned her back, she looked up at the ceiling to hold her tears back which were already blurring her sight.
“Mom, can we stay here for just a few more minutes?”
She remembered Grandpa readily handing her Great Grandma’s keepsake necklace. She didn’t know where it was now.
She remembered Grandpa being upset for not receiving her messages for months. She had been busy preparing for her high school entrance exam.
She remembered Grandpa’s last birthday party when every family member was there but not her. She was now busy playing with her friends after finishing her exams.
She remembered Grandpa limp on the hospital bed, barely able to lift up his eyelids to look at his beloved granddaughter once more. That was the first and the last time she visited him in the hospital.
She couldn’t leave him like this, not again.
Or…was it too late?
As she failed to convince her mom to stay longer, she reluctantly carried her bags and looked at the baby once more before she proceeded to move any further.
Unable to speak, the baby’s eyes pleaded for her to stay. They accused her of betrayal. But her mom’s hands on her were firm and led her one step at a time out of the room.
The wailing continued as she left the room.
As her forehead reached her overlapped hands in her deep bow, a baby whimpering struck her ears. Who let a baby into a funeral?Asking herself with a pinch of petulance, she slowly lifted her head up to discover a tiny, wriggling infant laying amongst the immaculately organized jeh-sah-sang (offerings made to the dead in Korea).
Astonished, she started to scrutinize the features of the baby. All miry with pale blue hands and feet, the baby was completely naked without a single presence of protection. A birthmark on its right hand stood out, along with the sunken dimples…
Grandpa?
She kept looking up to see the funeral portrait of her grandpa, and then looking down back to see the infant. The eyebrows that become thicker as it reaches the edge of the face. The crescent moon eyes. The hooked nose. The thin lips. It had to be him.
Before she had any more time to process her thoughts on how this could be possible, whether this was real or just a figment of her imagination, the baby turned his head towards her. As soon as they locked eyes, the once barely audible cooing became passionate wailing. She looked around for help from an adult, but everyone seemed busy due to their own businesses such as bowing to the family of the deceased, moaning aloud, or comforting each other.
When she turned her eyes to the infant once more, he started to writhe his arms around as if he wanted to be carried. Then he accidentally knocked over a pear neatly stacked in a white bowl as a part of the jeh-sah-sang, which wobbled and tipped over, bonking the baby’s head. The baby froze for a moment, unsure how to react to its first experience of pain, and proceeded to cry harder than ever.
***
“Remember, you have to catch the plane before it lands, ok? Ready, set, go!”
As the crumpled paper plane soared through the air, she grabbed his wrinkled hand and started to run as fast as she could. Get the plane, was the only objective in her mind, and her heart flowed with high hopes of rejoicing in her victory with her beloved Grandpa.
Every second the plane got closer, the more she hastened, the more spring she added to her step. As she stretched out her arm to reach the plane, a ray of sunlight shone on it and she lept. She lost the grip of her Grandpa’s hand.
As they both stumbled down, a dull thud vibrated through her body. Her face slowly turned pale as she stood up to see the plane landing softly on Grandpa’s back, lying down on the rigid asphalt ground. Frozen in place, her mind went blank.
Just before the teardrops that blurred her eyes proceeded to fall, a familiar warmth carried her, protecting her whole body.
“괜찮아 아가, 할아버지는 끄덕없어! (I’m alright, sweetheart! Grandpa’s as strong as ever!)”
Engulfed in fear, she started to cry as hard as she could as Grandpa stood up, blood dripping from his scraped knees and hands. Mom nodded as well with a slightly nervous face as she patted her back.
She was then taken inside where all family assured her that everything was alright. She stopped crying as one of her uncles gave her a piece of chocolate cookie.
But she heard it. Mom’s gasp in the next room as she helped Grandpa to stand back up again. Grandpa’s groan as he barely lifted himself up with help from Mom. Something was definitely wrong.
***
She turned her eyes back on the baby that had soothed himself when he realized no help was coming. Instead, he tried to reach for the pear that just fell down to the floor after bonking his head. Although she was still not sure whether this baby is actually there, this scared her that the baby might fall down from the jeh-sah-sang and hurt himself.
“에구구, 저기 배가 떨어졌네. 가서 주워야겠다. (Oh my, there is a pear fallen on the ground. I gotta put it back to the jeh-sah-sang.)” An elderly man - possibly one of Grandpa’s friends - stood up from his place with a sigh. He slowly approached the fallen pear and picked it up to place it back on the jeh-sah-sang.
Now, this triggered more confusion. The pear that the baby just knocked down actually fell to the ground. Does that mean that this baby is real? If yes, then why wouldn’t anyone tend to it? Why was it that she seemed to be the only one seeing it?
Then, the baby suddenly dissolved into the air.
“Wait, Grandpa!”
Just after a second, it reappeared in front of the young-jeong-sa-jin (the picture of the deceased) as if to tell her, yes, it was him. Maybe she was losing her mind from exhaustion - maybe from grief. But she had to be sure. She stepped closer to examine the baby -
and noticed that its whole body was pale blue and translucent.
The baby wasn’t real. It was a ghost. No wonder why anyone else couldn’t see it.
***
“It has been…four months? Five months? Since we met last time, hasn’t it?” said Grandpa, as he casually sipped his coffee with a wrinkled heartwarming smile. He seemed to age quicker over the last few months.
“Yeah, hahaha…” She tried her best to look as natural as she could, but she could not hide the awkwardness of her guilt.
“Hmm, seems like we are being a bit awkward here. Here, let me tell you a joke. Do you know how celebrities stay cool?”
“Uh…I have no idea. Can you tell me how?”
“They have many fans.”
Silence filled the room for five seconds, but she felt like it lasted for five hours. Then, both of them burst into laughter.
“Hahaha, that was so funny Grandpa!” She laughed as hard as she could, but it never sounded genuine. She knew that. Grandpa knew that too and smiled.
***
Once again, the baby turned his head in the direction of her, and they locked eyes. An affectionate smile slowly appeared on his face.
She could not erase the thought that his smile seemed benign rather than childlike. It resembled the smile when Grandpa assured him that he was okay despite the fact he fell down hard to the ground. When he knew she was faking her laughter but laughed along anyway.****
***
“Oh dear, I will always thank you for laughing at my silly jokes.” Grandpa chuckled. “By the way, I got the message from you about your spring break. I saw the photos, too. Those cherry blossoms look so beautiful! Take me with you next time. I love going for a walk, too.”
She smiled back with relief that she did not hurt Grandpa’s feelings that much. She carefully opened her mouth once again as she asked, “Why didn’t you reply, Grandpa?”
“Oh, I would absolutely love to have conversations with you online - especially these days since we cannot meet more often because of your busy schedule - but damn, my wrist hurts too much to write long replies, dear. You should know that I always read them, though. You should also know that the moment you send me messages is the highlight of my day.”
They both smiled, pretending not to notice the faint glimmer in each others’ eyes.
***
“It is time to leave, dear.” She turned around to see Mom packing their bags to go back home.
“Mom, but - ”
“I know it is hard, sweetheart, but Grandpa will not be happy to see us too sad.”
The moment she stood up, the baby’s smile turned to a frown, and he started to cry even harder than when the pear fell on his head. As she turned her back, she looked up at the ceiling to hold her tears back which were already blurring her sight.
“Mom, can we stay here for just a few more minutes?”
She remembered Grandpa readily handing her Great Grandma’s keepsake necklace. She didn’t know where it was now.
She remembered Grandpa being upset for not receiving her messages for months. She had been busy preparing for her high school entrance exam.
She remembered Grandpa’s last birthday party when every family member was there but not her. She was now busy playing with her friends after finishing her exams.
She remembered Grandpa limp on the hospital bed, barely able to lift up his eyelids to look at his beloved granddaughter once more. That was the first and the last time she visited him in the hospital.
She couldn’t leave him like this, not again.
Or…was it too late?
As she failed to convince her mom to stay longer, she reluctantly carried her bags and looked at the baby once more before she proceeded to move any further.
Unable to speak, the baby’s eyes pleaded for her to stay. They accused her of betrayal. But her mom’s hands on her were firm and led her one step at a time out of the room.
The wailing continued as she left the room.
Writer's Statement: 삼년상 (Sam-Nyun-Sang) delves into the nuanced and sometimes awkward yet unwavering love shared between a Korean girl and her grandfather. Inspired from my own similar experiences with my grandfather, I sought to capture the unique bond between them as they navigate through the passage of time